I started this journal to feel better about my life, and share it with other good people. Since I have created this journal I have only had one person comment, and possibly visit it. That's fine by me, because if others think their shit don't stink, or they are better than me. Who cares, because I don't. Maybe my education and grammar isn't perfect, but my thoughts are my own. Just like most people, I have my own problems, and I must deal with them. I must stay strong, and find myself in this crazy world.
I must stay strong for my family, and myself. I must keep faith in my heart, and stay true to myself. Most of my life I have cared too much of what others think of me. That is going to stop, my sadness must end! I am tired of thinking of others first, when my life is in need of major repair. I will try to make the best of my life, regardless of my circumstances, or my mistakes in this life.
I have been frozen from my own fears, and pains. I have just floated by in my life, never really trying my best. I left it up to others, and god to put me on course in the path of my life. I have counted too much on love, faith, and the loves of my life, to keep me happy. When in fact it has been me who has kept me sad, and from being happy.
I have always looked at he world with rose colored glasses, despite of the realities of this world. I have kept faith in mankind to make this a better world, to create a utopian society of some sort. I have fear for my child for she inherits the earth that all of us have built. I must do the best the best I can for her, and my wife. I must accept life's cycle, and find what happiness we can find.
I will not accept defeat, but find a happy place for my loved ones, and I.What I have realized in the last few days is I should enjoy my daughter, wife, and myself. While we are still a family. I'm struggling with the fact that life as I have come to know it could end tomorrow. No matter how hard I try, no matter how sorry Iam for any mistakes I have done. Most importantly how much I love my wife, and the hopes of our happy future.
In this life I have lost most of the people I loved the most, the ones who were there for me, when I needed them most. It is scary knowing I could lose my father to cancer, my wife to doubt, and my daughter to my own despair. It is very frightening how weak my heart, mind, and strength has been. Optimistically, I feel I have done better than I could have, considering my last couple of kindred souls might be just a memory.
I have no choice but grin and bare it in this life. The good thing is I have realized that no matter how much you want the simplest things in life, such as a hug, a touch, or to be loved in the ways your soul needs, it is up to me to make it happen. I don't need others to be happy, or to be loved. I only need myself and try my best for me, and I pray that others can be strong enough to take life's journey by my side. Patient enough to wait for me to find myself in this life.
I am human, and make mistakes. I can be impatient, or demanding of others. I will give my full effort to be a better person, to be stronger for my loved ones, and myself. It is a lot easier to say, or type these things, than it is to do them. I will do the best I can to survive the tests in life, and more importantly stay true to my soul. I will try to forgive others, and myself for being human. To give the love we all deserve, and to sometimes let people simply be.
I have never wanted to hurt anyone, or to become a symbol of sadness. To feel like a plague to others, or myself. Since I was a child I have only wanted peace, love, and happiness for all. Today I wish for the same thing, but to be symbol of joy. I wish to be a breath of fresh air, and to be happy. I will try to allow others to find themselves, and patiently come to me for what ever it is they need.
I have struggled with the fact that life is what it is sometimes, and that reality, love, peace, and happiness can differ from the ones you love the most. That sometimes I won't be the person, place, or thing they want the most. That sometimes I won't be their hero, friend, lover, or their happiness. I must keep trust, and faith in others and in my heart! Strength, and hope in my mind! Acceptance, love, and happiness in my soul. For my family, and for myself!
Before I go, I wish to tell my family thank you for everything, and I love you all more than love itself!
May life let us be,
Wes
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