I sit at the computer, and really don't know what to say. The last few days have been tough, it has been a struggle to find the right words. I feel cluttered by my emotions, and smothered by my thoughts.
I have been far from being myself, and very worried. I wish to discuss what has been taking place in my life. I wish to journal about my life,my problems , and my fears.
But, I would only sound like a "Debbie Downer", or I would hurt somebody I love by revealing facts. I am conflicted, because I feel partly to blame.
I have been dealing with things I thought were only insecure fears, but have come true. To make matters worse, I have had problems accepting it.
They were caught in a lie again, I only discovered it by trying to find logic in something. Since then they have been overall sorry, and have been even kinder to me.
I have been an ass lately, because now I feel I like can no longer trust people. They seem sorry, and I love them. But to me I have trusted and been lied to by most people I've known.
For me it is very easy to forgive, and seemingly impossible to forget. I love this person dearly and would almost do any thing for them. My feelings for them haven't changed, but my heart feels wounded.
I know I can trust them again, but feel I have handled the matter poorly. I know this about a convenient truth, but all I ever ask from people is honesty.
In my life, I have been a liar, In my past I used lies to void out the dullness in my life. I have lied to myself several times, I even white lied to my parents growing up.
For instance, someone's cooking could be horrible. Yet, I have said "What a delicious meal!'
When I could have been honest in the beginning, after all its just food.
I am stressed, Did I just say it's just food? I'm stressed for many reasons, not just this matter of ethics in my heart.
1. My father's cancer.
2. Sam our ferret died last night.
3. Everyday problems.
4. Too many to name.
My life is like strong river, it tosses, pulls, pushes me forward. It beats me against the rocks, trying to drown me. Then it can be quite peaceful, gently floating down stream.
Before I know it I hear the sound of a waterfall, and then suddenly pulls me down.
When I reach the bottom battered, and bruised, I climb to the side, and pull myself up. By doing so, I noticed that when I looked up at the falls, I saw rainbows gushing down.
I realize I'm part of the river in life, without me what would it be. I choose to go with the flow, and to take dry land when I see rapids.
I'm privileged to ride the river wild, and to one day be taken to the sea of truth. Guided by natural forces, and granted by god to grow.
With that being said, I wish to stay positive in life. I wish for good health for my loved ones, and my self. I wish for a healthy environment for all life, and our souls.
I will have no choice but to trust in life, and in the ones I love. I think the hardest part will be trusting that I will stay true to these words.
I wish I could tell you all what went down, or how I feel I have failed this person I love. If only you could give me advice on what you think I should do.
I know what I'm supposed to do, but feel too emotional. I feel lost, not knowing what they will do. I care about them so much. I could not stop caring, or quit on the future. I don't want to ever say what ever will be, will be.
I would prefer to break the walls that stand in between us. I choose to hold on to the love we have, and hold onto everything good.
I would rather say, We can conquer this wild river together! Life is what it is sometimes, and I will try my hardest to make it a peaceful journey.
Thanks for listening,
Wes
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